The Virtue of Being Unliked

Leander, Texas

11:51 am

Dear Leah, Jack & Adam-

Last week I wrote about the incredible power of being likable. I believe it opens doors, builds trust, and creates opportunities that talent alone often cannot.

But there is another side to that coin.

Sometimes, if you’re living the right kind of life, certain people simply won’t like you.

And that’s okay.

In fact, it can be something to be proud of.

Not because being disliked is a goal, but because sometimes it is the unavoidable cost of doing what is right.

I’ve spent much of my career leading people. Most were hardworking, honest, and cared deeply about serving others. I genuinely liked them, and I hope they felt the same about me.

But not everyone.

Over the years, there were people who disliked me because I held them accountable.

Some treated our guests poorly. Others mistreated their coworkers…or even worse their subordinates. Some cut corners. A few cheated. A few stole. Others wanted the rewards of success without doing the work required to earn them.

When those situations arose, I had a choice.

I could look the other way and preserve my popularity.

Or I could do my job. I could do the right thing.

Sometimes that meant difficult conversations.

Sometimes it meant disappointing people.

Sometimes it meant firing someone.

None of those decisions were enjoyable. In fact, they were often among the hardest days of my career.

But leadership isn’t a popularity contest.

I also learned this lesson in business partnerships.

I once worked with someone who expected to share equally in the rewards while contributing far less than everyone else. Holding that person accountable didn’t make me popular. It did make me responsible.

On another occasion, I found myself insisting that a family member of a business partner be held accountable for conduct that crossed an obvious moral line involving a sixteen-year-old employee. Standing for what was right strained relationships with people I respected and cared about. Some members of that family never cared for me again.

I can live with that.

Actually…

I’m proud of that.

There is an old saying:

“If you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for anything.”

Doing the right thing often comes with a cost.

Sometimes the cost is your comfort.

Sometimes it’s the loss of a relationship with people you once valued.

Sometimes it’s being misunderstood.

But consider the alternative.

Imagine earning everyone’s approval by ignoring dishonesty, overlooking poor behavior, or remaining silent when someone vulnerable needs protection.

That’s not kindness.

That’s cowardice.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized something surprisingly freeing.

I don’t need everyone to like me.

 I only hope to earn the respect of people whose character I admire. If they like me too, that’s a wonderful bonus.

There’s an important difference.

If an honest person disagrees with me, I pay attention. They may see something I don’t.

To be fair, I haven’t always handled difficult situations perfectly. I’ve spoken too quickly. I’ve been more blunt than necessary. There are conversations I’d handle differently today. Wisdom teaches us that we can stand on principle while still growing in humility.

But if a person dislikes me because I refuse to compromise my principles…

I’ll sleep just fine.

Whoever dislikes you matters just as much as who likes you.

Leah, Jack, and Adam – you’ll eventually discover that doing the right thing isn’t always rewarded with applause.

Sometimes it results in criticism.

Sometimes it costs friendships.

Sometimes people will tell stories about you that aren’t true because the truth is inconvenient for them to accept.

Don’t let that discourage you.

Judge your life not by the number of people who approve of you, but by the reasons they do.

And don’t be concerned when people of poor character dislike you.

Sometimes…

That’s one of the strongest compliments you’ll ever receive.